“Don’t get upset. It’s Christmas” (Wilson, 2020).
This sentiment may ring true for many, but children with OCD can dread and fear the very activities parents and siblings look forward to during the holidays.
Activities such as visiting and hosting family and travel can provoke “what-if” thoughts, avoidances, and mental compulsions. As a result, the feeling of happiness and excitement parents and siblings express are not shared by the child, promoting a sense of shame and guilt. To make matters worse, fear surrounding upsetting their parents and ruining the holidays for their family can consume children with OCD. To combat this, parents must recognize the signs of OCD-induced guilt and shame this holiday season and what they can do to promote recovery.
How might we combat these feelings of shame and guilt? The elephant in the room needs to be discussed for it to go away. During the holidays, children with OCD are likely to experience heightened shame about their symptoms and having OCD. It’s a double shame sandwich when it comes to OCD. Luckily, parents are uniquely positioned to help. Shame-based thoughts such as, “I should be excited too, why can’t I be excited?” or “I’m going to ruin the holidays for my family” are common during the holidays. To reduce shame is to talk about it; shame gets worse the more it’s not discussed. If you notice your child, this holiday season:
Family visits are re-emerging this holiday season, and aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents may be visiting for the first time since the pandemic. It may even be the first visit since your child began exhibiting signs of OCD, bringing up an array of emotions – guilt being one of them. Different than shame, guilt is the emotion that arises when we feel we have done something wrong or bad. Guilty thoughts such as, “I need to stop ritualizing, or I’ll disappoint my mom during Christmas” or, “I can’t stop this compulsion, I’m sorry I can’t stop” or even “I can’t hug grandma” are common guilt-ridden thoughts. Parents and children alike will be fearful of this first visit, particularly if the extended family is unaware of OCD. If you notice your child:
Committing to helping your child through the holiday season requires planning, following through on that plan, and consistency with the plan. The conversations with your child will illuminate the OCD, and you will get to know and understand the shame and guilt triggers. Use this information to collaborate with your child on a plan.
It’s okay to get upset – even at Christmas. Talking to your child about OCD-related shame and guilt normalizes and un-shames the disorder. Listening to understand, asking the right questions, and developing a fun plan for previously feared activities can have a profound impact on your child’s experience this holiday season.
From initial discussions to the execution of the plan, collaboration with your child is the best way to help them get back to enjoying the holidays. There is no greater gift than that.
References
Wilson, Z (2020). OCD & Christmas. Retrieved from: https://www.ocduk.org/lauren-ocd-christmas/
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